


once upon a freakin' time I never did this again

by Teakany



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Bad Spelling & Grammar, Comedy, Fairy Tale Retellings, I did it for lawls, M/M, Why Did I Write This?, i know it sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 20:57:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3951502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teakany/pseuds/Teakany
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An irritated Narrator tries to retell little red riding hood with reluctant characters</p>
            </blockquote>





	once upon a freakin' time I never did this again

**Author's Note:**

> if I ever get the urge I might write more of these and I'll just dump them here. really it's for my own amusement. XD

Once upon a time…. in a land far far away, lived a little girl..

“I am not a girl!” 

oh for the love of.. fine. there lived a little boy, emphasis on the little. 

“hey!” 

shut up or I’m putting you in a dress, last warning! 

“fine”

This little boy was named Gilbert, though most people in the town knew him as little red riding- 

“can It be blue? awesome prussian blue!” 

*sigh* okay. they knew him as little blue riding hood, because of the prussian blue cloak he wore everywhere. everyone who knew him loved the little shit for some reason that I can’t grasp. 

“hey...that was mean…”

Little blue lived with his mother in a cottage by the woods. he was a very pretty little boy who liked to wear all sorts of lacy dresses 

“what?!” 

I warned you about interrupting. 

“but this isn’t fair!” 

once upon a time there lived a weak little boy who wore pink and cried all the time… 

“okay fine!” 

anyway! one day the little boys mother got a call that his grandmother was very ill and he needed to take some goodies to help her feel better

“I really have to say this?” 

yes ludwig. 

“fine… Little blue, I have baked this lovely basket of goodies for you to take to your Großmutter. it has beer und wurst to help her feel better. don’t run about, or you’ll break it and I’ll beat you with mien stick.”

ahem.. 

“ ja ja… you must stay to the path, lest you get lost and I have to save your stupid ass face” 

very good ludwig, maybe next time a bit less bitchy okay? kay. Little blue took the basket and skipped, don’t give me that look Gilbert. skip, off down the path. he was headed towards his grandmother's house that was nestled at least an hours walk from the village. god knows why she lived that far in… but she was related to Gilbert so… when he was- 

“uhm.. e-excuse me…” 

*sigh* yes Matthew? 

“a-are you sure I can’t be little red… I-i’m not sure I can-” 

you're the freakin wolf okay!! 

“hey! I’d be good with switching with birdie!” 

no Gil. now skip your frilly clad prussian ass down that path and meet the wolf! 

“you’re not a very nice person..” 

excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep… oh wait, you need a heart for tears…Little blue skipped his way down the path peacefully until someone stepped out in front of him… 

Matthew!

“but… but its rude to cut someone off!” 

why? why did I agree to this? write fanfiction they say! hey red riding hood is popular for prucan they say. but shake it up! can the characters agree? nooooo gotta argue. 

“I’m sorry! I’ll j-just….” 

you do that! the wolf stepped in front of little blue and offered a bow before he greeted him charmingly

“g-good day little blue riding hood”

“thanks wolfy” 

“w-where are you headed so e-early? i-if it’s not too presumptuous to ask!”

“to my Großmutter place.”

“how nice, what’s in the basket?”

“I dunno… bunch of shit… there’s beer, want one?”

“I don’t think that’s in the-”

ok! know what! I give up… I just… I fuckin give… Germania! you can fuckin get out of the damn dress because we’re stopping this bullshit now.

the wolf then grabbed the basket and tossed it, kissing little blue roughly. he then proceeded to mount him and fuck him up the ass into next month. little blue never came home again, and no one gave a single fuck. he stayed in the damn woods forever with the damn wolf and they had lots of frilly beasital sex! I’m outtie!

“geez… what’s her problem. hey Birdie… whatcha lookin at me like that for… birdie?”

“gotta follow the narrator Gil.“

“verdammt! Ludwig help!”

“nein”


End file.
